Regrounding & Recentering
I often get messages from both females and males who are interested in breaking into the modeling profession and wanting to know how to get started. Recently, I received a message from such a person that was written by a young girl, who I will call Gretchen. Gretchen was in her early 20’s at the time that she sat down and wrote me. Her message relayed her desire to model, and her thoughts about how pretty she found my pictures to be when flipping through my portfolio, which I found to be a sweet introduction, but nonetheless, that was not the reason for her communications.
When I first read Gretchen's note, I thought about what kind of perception she must have had of me, and what types of daydreams she most likely constructed in her mind of my life as a model prior to reaching out to me in such a direct fashion. Although many people do research online about how to start their modeling careers, very few understand what it is really like, as there aren't many models who take the time to be honest about their experiences for various reasons, but I could tell that Gretchen was in search of more than just how-to guides. She was looking for mentorship and personal guidance.
After quickly thanking her for her compliment, I addressed everyone's true topic of interest, but perhaps it was not the topic of interest that she thought that she was in search of. My response to her first message was simple, and it came in the form of a question, as most of my responses do with people looking for answers. It is the one question that I ask everyone who contacts me with similar dreams and ambitions, and the one thing that matters most when mentoring young aspiring models who are looking to begin their modeling careers. “Why do you want to be a model, Gretchen?”
While most would think that the answers to that question would vary depending on the person, it would surprise everyone to learn that the majority of the people who answer this question honestly have the same, or similar, answer. “I've always wanted to be a model, because I look at all of these girls in these magazines, and they are so beautiful. Honestly, I don’t feel good about myself, and I think that modeling will give me more confidence. If I could just see myself looking pretty in a few pictures, then it would give me the strength that I need to stop being self-conscious.”
It was just as I feared and assumed was true. Gretchen was caught in the same trap that so many people who begin modeling are caught in. They believe that modeling will take away their insecurities. I responded, “I mentor several young girls in similar positions and want to encourage you to get yourself into a state of mental preparation for what lies ahead. I can help you, but if you really want me to be your team mate and show you how to get out of this state you are in, then you have to believe me when I say that it is not an easy process that can be quickly fixed by photos, Gretchen. If that were true that pretty photos could fix the beliefs about ourselves that lie deep within, then we would not have beautiful models becoming anorexic, and anorexic people would not see an overweight person every time that they look in the mirror. Gorgeous women addicted to plastic surgeries would not be going back for more surgeries or overdosing on drugs because they are so depressed about their looks. Our insecurities or beliefs about ourselves do not just magically go away with such an easy fix. It's going to have to take a true shift in who you are, and who you perceive yourself to be, and I will explain why that has to come first before becoming a model.”
When I looked at her pictures, I could immediately see several things that I knew she probably couldn’t see from her perspective. I noticed a lot of strong traits that would be an asset to her in the industry. “You are very good with makeup,” I said. Although she was clearly too short for runway at a height of only 5’1”, she had a very beautiful face with gorgeous skin tone and the kind of proportional spacing of her facial features that makes for a good image at numerous angles. She reminded me of a girl I had mentored about a year or so earlier who I did not want to elaborate on in conversation, or even mention, as my last memories of her were of her showing up to a casting call and watching her fall apart in nervous insecurity in front of a table of people who sat there picking her apart with our eyes as she stood there before us going simply on hope alone that we would pick her above the others. It was so hard to watch her learn that lesson that one’s true insecurities come out when you start modeling. People say and believe that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, and yet, so many wish that they could hide that truth in front of the camera or peering audience, but most can't. It's that subtle hint of muscle movement in the eyes, eyebrows and forehead that show all. Fear. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not seeming confident. All it takes is one micro-movement of the eyes that are directly connected to the part of the soul that controls self-doubt. It's almost impossible to hide, but if anything can catch even that one split second where it is revealed, it's the camera. It catches it, and it holds on to it for an eternity.
“Gretchen… Most of us are taught everything that we know. If you don't feel good about yourself, then who taught that to you? Overcoming these barriers in your true confidence is going to first require you taking a real hard look at whose views of you you have to let go of. What ideas from your past are still etched in your brain haunting you from your upbringing? Those insecurities…those thoughts… they came from somewhere. Start giving some real thought to the voices you hear in your mind tearing you down. Where did those words come from?" I could hear one of my other mentor's voices telling me "Throw those memories in your mental trashcan in the very center of the room. Your use of that trash can is now your main priority. None of that funk serves your highest and best good anymore. You have got to let it go." It was time for Gretchen to let go all of the beliefs that weren't even her own about herself to begin with. It was time. The question was if she was ready to do that first before attempting to become a model in the industry.
There was no response to my question to Gretchen after I sent that to her. The minutes ticked away and turned into hours, and the hours turned into days. I went on with my busy routine with the thoughts of Gretchen and my concern for her nestled together in the back of my mind. I thought of my rules of living…my own independent and private constitution that I personally choose to live by. “Rule#1: Stop giving a single sh*t what other people think about you, or how much they understand you, or what they may or may not say about you to your face or behind your back, or what they understand that you try to show them, or even what they want you to do with your life. This life is your hula hoop, Elle Joy. Dance in it. Live it. Be strong in it, not just for those who look up to you, but for yourself, regardless of who looks up to you. Don't be a hypocrite and worry about whether or not she got the lesson. You laid it out there for her to consider. Maybe it's too heavy of a question to face, much less process. You did your best. When it boils down to it though, it's not even your hula hoop. Stay centered and keep focused on your own revolutions again. You acted in service the best you knew how to, and that's all you can do for her. Forget it. It's not your job to teach her or fix her. It's your job to share your experiences with those who seek them out and ask about them.”
A few days after the message was sent, Gretchen responded. "How I feel is because of the relationship I am in,” she said to me. That's it. It was one line. I answered her quickly before even really thinking before I hit the Send button, and it was not until later that I realized that my response probably came off as cold and abrasive, and even insensitive of me to have such an attitude. I've struggled to come across as firm, like someone strong that they could mimic, but I just spit it out. “Gretchen, listen to me. My mentor told me this years ago, and it's one of the most important things that she ever taught me. PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU HOW YOU LET THEM TREAT YOU. Period. I will say that again. People will treat you how you let them treat you. That’s right, so don't question it too much. If you don’t want someone to treat you a certain way, then you don’t have to put up with it. Define your boundaries. Don't allow anything or anyone to rob you of your joy. Keep those who hurt you out of your hula hoop. It's yours. Your mind has it's own boundaries, and we can decide if we want someone else's beliefs in or not. If you can't keep someone out physically, and they need to be around for one reason or another, then at least keep them out of your mental hula hoop and distance yourself enough from them emotionally where they cannot cause you intense emotional harm.“
I knew exactly what Gretchen meant when she said that her relationship was the reason why she was feeling the way that she was feeling. I imagined all of the different scenarios of character types that he could be as I went through my mental list of memories from my own line of ex-boyfriends who were either threatened by my looks and didn't want me to feel good about myself in fear that I would leave them for someone else. I carried on with my rant practically quoted from my own Personal Constitution of Elle Joy. “Your joy in life is your own to get, maintain, guard and protect. Do so with everything you are, everything you have and everything that you want to become. Doing so is your key to happiness. Anyone that steals your joy from you, Gretchen, and anyone who keeps it from you or seems to try to take it from you isn’t in your highest and best good. Everyone who is not in your highest and best good should not ever be allowed to stay in your mental hula hoop. Healthy people will typically not ever try to force themselves inside of your hula hoop, control what you think or believe about yourself, or try to criticize you for not trying to let them inside of it. In fact, it's best to further push anyone out who gets mad at you for not doing so on their own time frame."
I went on to explain what I was trying to relay. "Try something, Gretchen. It's an exercise. Have you ever hula hooped with someone else standing in the middle with you? Try it sometime soon.” I wondered when the last time that Gretchen actually hula hooped was, and if I was coming across like some kind of crazy person. I wondered if she would actually take my advice and try hula hooping with someone else inside of it just for the sake of effect…for the sake of the lesson. I continued, "Ask yourself this: 'Can I stay centered? Can I make a full revolution and stay balanced? What happens when I let someone inside of my inner hoop? What happens to my patterns? What happens to my hoop that I’m trying to keep going around and around me?’ The answer to the last question is consistent among nearly 100% of the people who try it without practicing it with a skilled individual for hours upon end. If you try hula hooping with another person inside of the hoop, it falls to the floor. Try it again, and again, and again, and you will get the same result. That’s right. You drop what you are trying to keep going for yourself with them in the way. You cannot succeed like that...with someone too close to you. Can you succeed with distractions? Sure. Can you succeed with other things to tend to? Sure. I can count to 10 and watch television while hula hooping. I can do all kinds of things and keep my rotations going, but the second someone invades my inner boundaries and gets inside with me, all comes to a stop. What is it that you are letting too close to you that is robbing you of your joy and throwing you off of your balance? Whose voice is it that is causing you to rotate off of your center? “
THE LESSON: “Guard your joy like it's one of your children. Guard it with all of your strength and power.
Thanks for the experience, Gretchen. I have faith in you. Put the work in, as no one can do it for you. Keep your chin up...and keep REGROUNDING AND RECENTERING.
Ciao ciao,
~ Elle Joy
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